The importance of writing a covering letter

As we all know, times are hard; economically, socially, philosophically and god knows what else...In these testing times of economic uncertainty getting your foot in the door for that first job can be challenging to say the least. On the internet there are a wealth of sites that provide useful hints and tips on how to secure employment. It all boils down to being proactive and matching your own set of skills with that of the employers’ specification. Candidates must learn to “sell themselves” to the employer, do what you have to! Sell your soul if you have to but for christ sake don’t sell yourself short! Writing a covering letter is your opportunity to make an impression on the employer and land an interview, maybe even a job... below is an example of the ideal covering letter.  

Dear Sirs,

I would like to apply for the position of “Useless Twit” as advertised on the moronic website for morons. Please find my CV attached.

As you can see from my CV I am a recent graduate from the University of Indecision where I achieved a 2:1 in Hypochondria and Anxiety (a four year sandwich course for the foolish). My academic misgivings make me a Twit of the highest order. My dissertation on the importance of Pop Culture where I analysed several magazines that should be burned rather than read prove my uselessness. My dissertation was awarded a distinction for its particularly shambolic style and inconclusions.

I am particularly attracted to the role with regards to ‘plundering all situations of their dignity until all the persons involved are left in utter disgrace’. Although I have no formal work experience in this field may I draw your attention to my criminal record whereby I have been charged with several counts of public indecency. Once in a supermarket I proposed to a salmon at the fish counter only to be advised by an employee that the salmon was in fact dead. He advised me that I may purchase the salmon if I wished. Naturally I refused advising him that I do not pay for it.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my application. I hope that I will hear from you soon.

Yours insincerely

Fyodor Cretinman.

Liverpool machine geared towards top four finish

Liverpool fans have a genuine cause for optimism. The summer spending spree during the summer has combined with the Dalglish factor to leave Liverpool fans salivating at the prospect of a top four finish. Four points from a possible six from their opening two games of the season including an impressive 2-0 victory over Arsenal in their own backyard adds credence to the belief that Liverpool will be a powerful force this season, particularly when their new signings find their feet.

When the Liverpool spending spree surpassed the £50 million mark some pundits questioned whether Dalglish and the Liverpool owners had frivolously wasted their money. The £16 million pound outlay for the promising talent of Jordan Henderson in particular raised a few eyebrows. After all despite the Sunderland youngsters’ impressive start to the first half of last season his form tailed off quite significantly. Nonetheless Henderson’s talent is undeniable, he may not be worth his transfer fee just yet, but he will surely grow and improve as a player each year to become an impressive England international.

Meanwhile the rest of the summer dealings conducted by Liverpool appear to be shrewd business. The arrivals of Jose Enrique and Charlie Adam for a combined fee of £14 million provide excellent value. Liverpool has added to its squad a genuine playmaker in Adam who possesses a magic wand of a left foot. Meanwhile the muscular figure of Enrique already seems to have stamped his authority on the previously problematic left back position.

Although the £20 million paid for Stewart Downing appears expensive at first glance perhaps a closer look at Downing’s qualities might ease the concerns of some Liverpool fans? At 27 years of age Stewart Downing is an established England international whose pace and guile make him a dangerous winger, particularly when you consider the quality of his deliveries that he will surely provide from out wide for the gigantic Andy Carroll.

From the left: Jordan Henderson, Charlie Adam, Kenny Dalglish,  Alexander Doni and Stewart Downing.

Sourced from: footballatliverpool.com

These signings have only added to the wave of optimism that has swept through Anfield since the return of King Kenny as manager. Kenny Dalglish’s return saw Liverpool’s results dramatically improve last season; under Dalglish Liverpool climbed from the bottom half of the table all the way up to sixth place. By the end of the season the Dalglish factor had began to fuel hope and expectation to the extent that some fans even dreamed of challenging for the title in the following season.

However the strength and depth of the Manchester clubs and expected cash injection into Chelsea make a potential title challenge for Liverpool seem like a step too far this season. Nonethless the new signings during the summer appear to have added strength and depth to a Liverpool squad who already have the likes of Steven Gerrard and Luis Suarez. Thus Liverpool fans believe that they have a genuine chance of re-establishing themselves as a top four club this season.

Liverpool’s improvements on paper during the summer may have reignited the burning fire of expectation amongst fans; however Liverpool’s promising start to the 2011/12 campaign will surely stoke such expectation even further. Four points from a possible six including a 2-0 away victory at the Emirates against Arsenal make for impressive reading. Dalglish will clearly have to work hard with his squad to integrate his new players and create a fluid first team that can realise its potential. This may take at least ten games as demonstrated by the disappointing second half display against Sunderland on the opening day of the season. However the victory on Saturday against Arsenal was recorded with a ruthless efficiency that will get Liverpool fans dreaming again. The squad looks strong, particularly when Dalglish has the luxury of bringing on Raul Meireles and Suarez with twenty minutes to go in a game. Liverpool now seems to have the necessary mix of steel and fire-power to rack up points and victories on a consistent basis.

This Liverpool side is certainly not ready to push for the title, the new signings need time to find their feet and build a greater understanding with the rest of the first team. However one gets the impression that when the cogs of this Liverpool machine have been oiled and it starts to work its way up through the gears Liverpool will have a fantastic chance of beating Arsenal and Spurs to that crucial champion’s league place. It’s by no means a guarantee, but there is certainly enough promise to fill this Liverpool fan with optimism.

The Unemployed

For the unemployed person the most trivial events and items begin to carry with them a heavy burden of expectation. Principally they offer relief from the daily troubles of unemployed life. Now those of you reading this who have a job, or indeed anything to do from day to day may well think “you what?! Do me a favour!?”

Perhaps it would be wise of me to dispel a few myths about the unemployed... Although the unemployed rarely have any pressing matters to deal with or even any actual occupational hazards to negotiate; the life of the unoccupied can be like a virtual prison cell. Despite the lack of concrete walls or clichéd steel bars to keep the unoccupied incarcerated, there exists a very real sense of imprisonment.

Thus a rather bizarre situation develops where the particularly conscientious (Anxious/hypochondriac) unemployed person can find himself feeling rather trapped. In being free to do almost anything with his time, the unemployed person may “choose” to worry about not doing anything. As the months pass and the seasons change, the stale rot of unemployment remains and festers. The unemployed asks himself “what am I to do if not work?”

Consequently the unemployed person attempts to fill his life with the most mundane trivial items read from a bafflingly blank agenda to avoid dealing with the crux of the matter. The crux of the matter being that we are procrastinating, we are ignoring the real issue, in fact we probably aren’t even aware of the reality we live in. Perhaps the clever bastards who have read Karl Marx may think that we are alluding to a slightly wider issue such as capitalist society causing man’s alienation from his true self? To that I say “please sirs, I am but a poor humble unemployed person, and although I may well have read Marx before, I cannot rightly remember on account of being unemployed for so very long (one month four days thirteen minutes).

The above cartoon is sourced from http://www.the405club.com/post/235966518/best-unemployment-comics

Anyway... the interminable stay of execution of the unemployed can seem long. So as I was saying, it can be wise to fill the time with “exciting” and “meaningful” activities such as waking up just in time for the 11am instalment of “Made in Chelsea”. Programmes such as this begin to carry  an unspeakable significance. There significance can be measured by the following irrefutable fact: far far away hidden behind immovable mountains, thoughtful monks utter words such as this “Ollie is bisexual...”

Of Course it’s all bollocks, to tell you the truth I just got carried away, “Made in Chelsea” doesn’t mean a thing. But my delusions make me happy; it can be fun to be tricked by the illusion of consumerist culture. After all it gives me something to do, a sense of being occupied for the unoccupied.