The importance of writing a covering letter

As we all know, times are hard; economically, socially, philosophically and god knows what else...In these testing times of economic uncertainty getting your foot in the door for that first job can be challenging to say the least. On the internet there are a wealth of sites that provide useful hints and tips on how to secure employment. It all boils down to being proactive and matching your own set of skills with that of the employers’ specification. Candidates must learn to “sell themselves” to the employer, do what you have to! Sell your soul if you have to but for christ sake don’t sell yourself short! Writing a covering letter is your opportunity to make an impression on the employer and land an interview, maybe even a job... below is an example of the ideal covering letter.  

Dear Sirs,

I would like to apply for the position of “Useless Twit” as advertised on the moronic website for morons. Please find my CV attached.

As you can see from my CV I am a recent graduate from the University of Indecision where I achieved a 2:1 in Hypochondria and Anxiety (a four year sandwich course for the foolish). My academic misgivings make me a Twit of the highest order. My dissertation on the importance of Pop Culture where I analysed several magazines that should be burned rather than read prove my uselessness. My dissertation was awarded a distinction for its particularly shambolic style and inconclusions.

I am particularly attracted to the role with regards to ‘plundering all situations of their dignity until all the persons involved are left in utter disgrace’. Although I have no formal work experience in this field may I draw your attention to my criminal record whereby I have been charged with several counts of public indecency. Once in a supermarket I proposed to a salmon at the fish counter only to be advised by an employee that the salmon was in fact dead. He advised me that I may purchase the salmon if I wished. Naturally I refused advising him that I do not pay for it.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my application. I hope that I will hear from you soon.

Yours insincerely

Fyodor Cretinman.